I try to keep my posts honest and uplifting and remaining positive and encouraging, but not all days are like that. Some days the truth is sad, depressing and hurt! So I write....
Tonight I found myself watching a movie about a father with a wife and young daughter who found out he had terminal cancer. He thought about all the things that he would miss of his daughters life. So he decided to find a replacement that would help him. Someone he knew would be there for his wife and daughter after he was gone. I know, I know, only in the movies....
But I find myself laying here thinking about my life. No I am not sick or dying, but one of my greatest fears is what about my kids if something happens to me. Especially Carson. When you have a special needs kid the thoughts are on my mind all the time. To be honest it makes me afraid to go away from my kids. I know that is unhealthy and not what I should think about but I do. I make myself do things and go places.
If something happens to me or God forbid both Bill and I, what about the boys. We have a will and we have plans set in place, but still I think about all the things that we have learned, experiences, trials and tribulations. Are they going to know he has to have 2 sandwiches, he needs help cleaning himself, he has to do things on his terms to prevent meltdowns, what foods he likes and doesn’t like, that you have to watch him when you tell him to put deoderant on or he will put have a stick on, you have to shave his face, you have to help him wash?? Is someone else going to be able to do the things for Carson that he needs? It is ALOT! I think about Reed, did he ask to have a special needs brother? Is it fair to think that his brother could become his responsibility some day? NO! IT IS NOT!! Do I think he will step up when/if needed, I think so, but it isn’t fair.
No one should have to think about these things. But life sucks sometimes and these are the things we are left to deal with. I have learned over the past year, life is short, life gives us heartbreak, and we just never know what might happen. So these things are on my mind!
As I tucked Carson into bed tonight and we went through our nightly routine of good nights, after I said I love you bunches, and bunches and bunches, I said I love you forever and ever. And like music to my ears Carson said back to me, forever and ever with a kiss.
FOREVER AND EVER MY BOYS, FOREVER AND EVER!
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