What ifs

As Carson’s birthday draws closer, I find myself thinking, crying, wishing, remembering, questioning....

What if Carson didn’t have Autism? What would our house be like? Why did it have to be Carson? What would Carson be planning on for the future? Would he be going to college? Would he have a girlfriend? What would he be doing in his spare time? Would he and Reed be best friends or fighting like cats and dogs? 

I get angry some days thinking he is being robbed of so many things that he should be able to be experiencing. At least once a week we get a brochure in the mail from a college. The make me sad and angry. They go right in the trash. It is not fair that we are not thinking about the future and college and careers. Instead we have to decide for him what we think is best for him and what we see him doing with his life. I want to scream I DONT KNOW THAT!! I mean I know I want him to be safe and protected and always have a loving and supportive family to always be here for him. I want him to be able to try things and see what he can do. Makes me wish we had a crystal ball to see what the right choices are. (I know, I know, we all wish that) 

I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I am lucky to have a healthy young man who is happy, loving and sweet as can be. He doesn’t have a life threatening disease. We are blessed and we are lucky! 

So I need to get over my crappy mood and look at the bright side. My handsome young man (and his brother) are 2 of the best things that ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything!