Emotions

Yesterday's post left me feeling guilty about being a sad post and not upbeat. Then a friend pointed out that I needed to share the ugly, sad, and bad too. And she is right. This journey is not a bed of roses. It is not all good and happy.

I go through all of the emotions at least once a week. Someones all in one day. 

Although I try to remain calm and positive, there are times that I lock myself in the bathroom with tears or bury my head in my bed crying. 

People say we were chose for this life for a reason. And I accept that, but there are still days that I ask why. Why us? Why does Carson have to struggle? Did I do something so he is being punished for it? It is depressing knowing that your child is struggling. Yes, he is a happy kid, and there are kids that are worse off then him. But we see times that he gets aggitated because he can't express his wants and needs. 

In the morning when I was trying to get Carson on the bus, he was agitated because I was asking him to get his shoes and coat on. He was grunting and stomping. Which makes me feel bad that I am sending him to school like that. 

When he dumps things for no reason it makes us angry. Like last night, Reed poured a glass of juice and got too much. So he put his cup in the fridge for today. Carson saw him do it and had it in his head that the cup didn't belong in the fridge with juice in it. So he got it out and dumped it down the drain. Things like this happen frequently, which makes us angry cause money is getting poured down the drain just because something is off in his world. 

But earlier in the evening when we were at Reed's track meet, Carson was happy and smiling watching his brother. He cheered him on. As soon as he could, he gave his brother a big hug. 

A day can be such a roller coaster of emotions. From frustration, sad, angry, happy and proud. I try to focus on the positive and happy, but there are days that is harder then others.